Lately a lot of people have heard that i’m blogging. They also ask why, or what do YOU have to blog about. A lot of people have no idea what I went through over the years. I mean yes, they know that I went through a separation… they know it was hell and they know I posted about it A LOT on Facebook, and other social media.
But they didnt truly know.
If you haven’t gone through a separation with kids, you don’t know about the court system. You don’t know about the biased crap we deal with. As a father, I was immediately singled out. I was stereotyped as a dead beat by the court system. I was treated like a visitor, or a stranger as opposed to a father.
Don’t get me wrong, there is men and even women that see a break up, and see a way out. There are people out there that maybe didn’t want to have a child for whatever reason, and the first chance they get, they run.
My first child was an oopsie. Not a mistake… unplanned. But I didn’t go anywhere. I was raised very well, and I was raised to deal with my issues. And so I did.
What i’m trying to get at is that men ARE singled out. I’m not taking anything away from all you mothers out there. You guys are amazing. You too have your own crap that you deal with, with stubborn exes, dead beats and losers. But.. not all of us are like that.
ADVICE BLURB: THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE THAT STEP UP AND BECOME FATHERS… DON’T EVER LET THE COURT SYSTEM, YOUR EX, OR EVEN HER IN LAWS EVER LET YOU THINK YOU ARE ANYTHING LESS THAN A DAD. IN YOUR CHILDREN’S EYES YOU ARE THEEEE GREATEST THING SINCE BREAST MILK (HAHA)
Touching on my above blurb. Even during the darkest days of your court battle, you have to remember that even though you are looked at a certain way by the legal system, you are looked at a certain way by your kids. That’s all that should matter. I let it get to me. I started taking all of my anger out on my ex. I back lashed when I could. I felt that I could hurt her by making her keep the kids for the weekend… because I was positive I was going to ruin her plans. I didn’t. She would just find some random to watch the kids… when it should be me.
Choose your kids every single day of the week. Forget trying to hurt her.
The court system and family law system are against dads.. That’s no secret. I’m sure ill have lawyers reply and tell me I’m wrong. I’m not. With all due respect to lawyers and legal professionals, my experience shows its stacked against us from the get go.
You have to look like snow white. And Fast.
I touched on this before…. when Trudy and I separated, we agreed I wouldn’t pay child support because we were going to do 50/50. It didn’t work out that way. Work got in the way and I was choosing my career over the kids. I was taking them every third week, or sometimes, every fourth… and I wasn’t paying child support … “cuz we had an agreemeent”
I thought my agreement was good enough. It wasn’t. Going into our first case conference, the judge literally asked me “Are you a dead beat?” I snapped back and asked him to never call me that again. He said “well child support isn’t negotiable, you break up, you pay”
This bugged me. The girl I loved with all my heart left ME.. yet I have to pay…. doesn’t make much sense. To this day, it still dumb founds me. I get that I need to support my children, but when she leaves for no apparent reason, there should be different rules. (that’s another topic)
I sat there and listened to this judge side with my ex and her lawyer, and slap me with a 25, 000 retroactive child support order. I woke up that morning feeling great about how things were going to go, and now I owe 25,000.
ADVICE BLURB: Pay child support from the minute she leaves. There’s a great little online tool that can calculate it for you.. just pay it. AFTER ALL, ITS FOR YOUR KIDS. IF SHES GOT MONEY SO DO YOUR KIDS
Now I have to provide financial statements to see what I can pay her back every month, on top of my child support that still hasn’t even been figured out.. That gets figured out when we figure out custody.
My memory is a little hazy when it comes to the case conference allowed time. I think we had an hour. We went on for an hour back and fourth about what we each wanted for custody. She wanted me to have my kids every third weekend, I wanted them every second with 2 over nights during the week.
Remember what I said about looking like snow white?
The judge would not side with me because I had never proven that I could stick to a custody agreement. That when I lived 4 hours away, I was always giving up my time with my kids.
I tried explaining that I was living in the same damn city as her now, it wouldn’t be like that. He didn’t care. All he seen was the track record.
We didn’t agree.
Case conference over, we were no further ahead than when we got there. Anyone with a brain could see where this was gonna end up, even after only one case conference..